Isolation

Eleven months since I last posted in this blog, and I can’t emphasize how I miss blogging so badly. I treat the blogosphere like a place that whenever I leave, I can always return and eel the same comfort that I felt from the time that I left it. Sure, it’s not as safe as it was before, but it feels like home to me.

Few months ago, I posted this photo on my Facebook account because it speaks volumes. It’s like my life is compressed in one quote. Haha. I have a strong personality and a resting bitch face to match it, so more often than not, I usually come out strong. One of the biggest struggles that I had is isolation. During my younger years, I was so concerned with how other people’s perception. We all went through that stage where, all of a sudden, we let ourselves become vulnerable to other people’s thoughts about us. I usually get the same old words like I like unapproachable, or I am too distant, or I’m like this or like that blah blah blah. Some people even try to pin me down by way of contradicting everything that I say. Some girls who try to be Alpha Females try to make me their version of Beta, but I’m not and I can’t do that for them. It’s either I conform to them, or I isolate myself from them. I kept on telling myself that I should change my self so that others will not look at me as a threat. I dumbed myself down just to remain friends with other people, but I can’t hold it in much long because my “inner Alpha Woman” will naturally ooze out, no mater how hard I try to control it.

(off topic: one thing I noticed to other girls is that they are trying to convince other people that they are Alpha Women. Well, chances are they’re not. Haha.)

 

But whenever I isolated my self from other, I feel refreshed. I feel like I can be me. I can walk the way I wanted to, I can talk the way I am supposed to. At the end of the day, the only thing that is important is my own perception about my self. I do not need to worry if others think of me as a threat or not, I don’t even care anymore. Haha. I love to isolate myself once in a while, so that whenever I try to immerse my self again to other group of people, I won’t feel lost anymore. I’ll be me, and I can stay real to my self.

 

P. S. Unlike what was said in the photo above, I was not lonely all my life (only some fragments of it,of course). I tried dodging loneliness because it is not healthy.

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Making connections

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We all love to meet and connect with other people, don’t we?

Friendship, networking, and relationship-building are fun! But how sure are we that we are letting in the right people in our lives? How good are we in sorting the people who we let in our lives, and checking if they are the right ones.  Do we really know who are we letting in?

In my case, I chose to open myself to the kinds of people, but I still reserve a part of me to be kept in private. I’ve been in the situation that I shared the important pieces of me to the wrong people, and, as expected, I was hurt and betrayed. In effect, I blamed myself (for a very long time) for exposing and sharing a lot to the wrong people. 

I have to admit that I built strong walls around me so that I will not blame myself again for being “too friendly”. Too be honest, it felt good. I felt like as if no one’s going to hurt me, EVER. But the downside here is that I had intimacy issues and (extreme) trust issues. Ugh.

Also, I mastered the art of sharing without opening myself too much to other people. I still know how to make and start a conversation. Haha. Don’t worry, I did not shut the world out of my life. It’s just, I learned that the only people whom I can completely trust are the ones whom I have deep and strong relationship, and the deepest and most important relationships take some time to build, that’s why I don’t show my (real) weird and wacky side right away to any one.

Oh, I forgot to mention that there are those people who will really put a lot of effort just to bring you down, in a sense that as if they are pulling you down to be with them in the snake pit (where they belong). Haha. I admire them for their effort to bring other people down, especially the strong ones. But, what their doing is wrong, that’s why I have zero chill for that. Just think of it this way, they put an amount of effort to bring you down because you are above them all this time. Don’t falter, don’t give in. Just rise higher and find your strength within. 🙂

Lastly, I made a promise to myself that I will not be scared to build strong relationship to any one, and that I should not shy away from anyone who wants to befriend me. I’ve given that “pep talk” to myself for a very long time all ready, and it works. I hope none of you will be scared to bond and to make strong connections to other people and I hope all of us will be prudent enough to sort the “real” people from the fake ones. I already found my solution, and I am sharing it to everyone who will read this blog post. I hope it helps someone or anyone. Haha. 

So how about you? Do you have trust issues too? How do you sort out the people who you let inside your life? C’mon! Share your thoughts. 🙂

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Better days

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I am taking this opportunity to share a little piece of what’s going on with my life lately, and I may be doing a little ranting along the way, so I hope you will still read through this blog post. Haha.

The Lenten Season for the Roman Catholics is one of the most important season, along with Christmas Season, because, according to the people with advanced knowledge in Roman Catholic faith, it was during this season when our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, was crucified many many years age. It was in this season when Jesus Christ sacrificed his life of us. I want you to focus on the word “sacrifice”, because I will be using that word again a little later. Haha.

Fast forward to year 2016, I am using the so-called “Holy Week” partly to pray and reflect, and partly to finish whatever schoolwork I have not finished yet. Yes. This is my form of sacrifice. I am supposed to use this Holy Week to go to different churches and pray with my family. I am supposed to use this Holy Week to be at peace and be close to God. I am supposed to use this Holy Week to talk to God. But what happened? I am still doing my usual day-to-day routine. I still read my academic books, I still make my research, and I still study. I should be with my family right now. I should be out there going to different churches, meeting new people, and exploring different places. I should be living my life.

You see, this is a little odd to me. Because this is a new form of sacrifice to me. I need to do all the things that I am doing right now with the presumption that everything will be better in the end. I need to take a pause in life, so that I will have better days. I should sacrifice today for a better tomorrow.

I know time will come when I will look back on these days when I was still struggling, and I know I will smile while thinking about today.

 

So how about you? Have you been in a situation where you need to sacrifice something really important? How so? 🙂

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Test of Patience

Photo credit: Google Images

Have you ever been frustrated due to a person’s incompetence? Have you reached that point when you want to tell him/her that he/she needs to step up even just a little because his/her incompetence affects you already?

But before I proceed, I hope you will not misconstrue this blog post as avenue for me to stir up my arrogance or incapability-shaming. So, here’s my story.

 

Lately, I faced one of the biggest test of patience that I could possibly have, and that is dealing with incompetent people. Incompetent people, as per my experience, are those persons who fail to reach a certain set of standards that is expected for them to reach. Their failure to reach the expected set of standards may e done (by them) either accidentally or deliberately. On one hand, I like helping other people and I love inspiring other people to work harder and to do better. I want other people to progress with me. On the other hand, I don’t like helping other people who DO NOT WANT to help themselves and I do not like doing things for other people who use and abuse my kindness towards them.

 

Up to this very moment, I hate the fact that I have to be stuck with incompetent people, it drains every single piece of strength that I have in my body to be around them. I really like to help them and I would love to see them smile whenever they accomplish something great, but then how can I help them if they don’t even want to help themselves? How can I give them the sweet feeling of euphoria on each and every big task that they accomplish? How can I help them to be better? Oh, the agony.

 

A very good friend of mine told me that I should probably back off and let those incompetent people suffer the consequences of their actions (and omissions, which are pretty much really). But then as much as I would like to stay away from them, they keep coming back to me asking for my help. And you know what? Surprisingly, I don’t get the “joy of giving” whenever I help them. It is as if I am obligated and mandated by a very strict dictator to help those incompetent people. They ask so much favor from me, some of it are actually physically (and financially) impossible for me to fulfill. And, they stress me out! Oh gosh! There was this one time when this girl wants to borrow a huge amount of money from me just because she left her purse in their house! I mean, c’mon! I am not a walking-talking bank! Haha. From that point, I told myself that it is too much, and I’ve had enough.

 

This time, I will stop helping people who do not even want to help themselves. Their incompetence and irresponsibility is way above my threshold. I will help them if they really NEED my help. Nope, not again. Not anymore. I owe it to myself.

 

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